It’s been about six months now since my parents got a divorce. To be honest, I’m lucky in a way, because the official name is a dissolution, meaning that both parties agreed to the separation. Another reason to feel lucky, I am a legal adult. I wasn’t the subject to any custody battles. However, having been through six months, I’ve discovered the things that I didn’t know to expect.
It doesn’t feel that different.
Two people aren’t happy together one day then get a divorce the next. There is a period of time when a couple no longer acts or feels like a couple. Since my experience was agreed upon by both parents, there wasn’t any violent arguing. There just wasn’t much communication at all. I can’t remember a time when my parents kissed or slept in the same bed. Not much has changed. There is a huge difference in the point when two people legally are no longer a couple and when they emotionally are not a couple. As for me, I’m still going to school, going to work and doing all the same things that I used to do.
Everything is different.
My parents no longer live in the same house, their cars are under their own names, bank accounts had to be split up, etc. Immediately after the divorce my mind went straight to logistics. Where will he stay? Who will get the Wii? Who will park and have the car ready after the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving? How is Christmas going to work? Will we all still get Ceder Point passes from my mom’s brother? Who will do the dishes? Who will fold the laundry?
I stayed with my mom in the house that I grew up in, mostly out of convenience. My dad moved to a nearby apartment. The house is empty just as often as my mom and I are in it. I don’t hear the Wii in the playroom that has now been converted to an office that we don’t really use. Then there’re holidays. Thanksgiving has always been a maternal family affair plus my dad. This year my dad didn’t come. I think he stopped by the apartment complex’s event, which would be cool, except that he is a shy, introverted person. He’ll only talk to people if they talk to him first, and even then he’ll feel awkward. And Christmas? Yes we have always done multiple little Christmases because my extended family is all over the place. But what now? Turns out, my parents put aside their difference and my immediate family had a Christmas like old times, which is sort of good and sort of bad. My older brother got into town and we had all of our presents under our (much smaller than usual) tree. My brother and I got presents from each other and both of our parents. Our parents got presents from my brother and me… and my mom got a present from my dad. Apparently it was a gift for the host: a bottle of Spanish red wine, something I remember her saying that she liked. (That bottle is still sitting unopened on the counter in the kitchen.)
Because I have a life (okay, that one is still up for debate), I’m going to work, going to school, falling behind in school (not an uncommon occurrence for me), etc. I don’t get to see my dad as often. We had a family tradition where we would go T.G.I. Fridays and play live trivia. We were regulars and we knew pretty much the entire Wednesday night crowd. I wondered what would happen with this. Just like Christmas, my parents put aside their differences and both kept going for the team. Those Wednesday nights are pretty much the only times that I see my dad anymore. I know there are others that are much worse off, and I apologize for the moping.
My parents have lives.
Well, my mom does. My dad wakes up, goes to his office job, he might go play trivia somewhere on Fridays and Saturdays, goes home, plays something on the Wii, watches an episode of something on Netflix and falls asleep on the couch (habit I suppose?)
My mom, on the other hand, gets a weekly schedule instead of the Monday-Friday 9-5 schedule. She goes to the gym and apparently also goes to Buffalo Wild Wings on occasion. I don’t know what goes on during the rest of her day. The part that bugs me is that she might possibly be spending a lot of time with another guy. I would be fine if it were a good bit later after the divorce… and if I liked the guy, but I suspect that my disdain might come from his relationship with my mom, not his personality. (Although he doesn’t seem to have a healthy view of alcohol…) She had been spending a lot of time with this guy months before the divorce.
The worst part is not that your mother might be a liar, it’s that you are absolutely CONVINCED that she is, whether it is true or not. The worst part is being conscious of the fact that you are accusing your mother of something that you have absolutely no basis for and the guilt that goes with it.
When my parents told my brother and me of the divorce, they said it was most important to tell us first. That being said, why wouldn’t my mother tell me about this new relationship? Trust me, it is not a pleasant thought to imagine your mother getting hot and heavy with some guy that you hardly know. It’s a strange day indeed when the child starts texting and calling the mother non-stop at midnight to figure out where she is and with whom she is, only to hear the explanation and not believe it.
Perhaps this is partially why I want so desperately to move far, far away.
Loveless Linguist 